Jokes-Need a Laugh


#1

Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way.
The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying,
"Morning, boys! How’s the water?"
The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks,
"What the hell is water?


#2

Boudreaux was called into his bank to discuss his accounts. “Your finances are in terrible shape,” the banker stated. “Your checking account is way overdrawn, and your loan’s are overdue.” “Yeh, I know.” said Boudreaux. “It’s my wife, Marie. She’s out of control.” The banker asked Boudreaux, “Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?” “Mais, to tell de truth, Mr. Banker,” replied Boudreaux with a deep sigh, “because I’d rather argue wid you than wid her !”


#3

A farmer sends his wife Martha out one day to buy a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says ‘OK old fart time to die’

The old rooster replies ’ come on you can’t handle ALL these chickens. Look what it’s done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says ‘Nope You’re washed up and I’m taking over’ The old rooster says ‘I’ll tell you what young stud I’ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop’

The young rooster laughs 'You know you don’t stand a chance old man so just to be fair I’ll give you a head start. 'The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the first corner of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

By the time they round the second corner the old rooster is giving it everything he has just to keep a lead on the younger rooster.

Rounding the third corner the old rooster is gasping for air and the young rooster is mere inches from catching him.

Rounding the last corner of the house the old rooster is failing fast when there is a large BOOM!!! and the young rooster is blown away with nothing left but drifting feathers

as the old rooster is collapsed breathing hard with his heart pounding the Farmer is on his front porch with a smoking shot gun yelling back into the house “Dammit Martha that’s the third queer rooster you bought this month”

  • Beware those old rooster they may be old but they are tricksy

#4

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”


#5

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, “Go to the Horseshoe.” He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, “Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry.” He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP.

He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt A :spades: A :diamonds: . The voice says, “Go all in.” He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot and… three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is J :heart: 10 :heart: 9 :heart:

The voice says, “■■■■.”


#6

I just started a new band called “999 Megabytes.” We haven’t got a gig yet.


#7

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”


#8

Murphy’s Ten Laws for String Theorists:

(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong. (3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as “string miracles”.)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.

In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.


#9

A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability. “I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is,” he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! “Karate chop from China,” he says. Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing. The big man hits him again. “Judo from Japan.” L’il ol’ Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer. The man grabs him putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. “That’s a nerve pinch from Korea.” After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool he walks out. Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor. Looking down at his tormenter, Boudreaux says, “Two-by-four from Home Depot.”


#10

Horror story ;

I asked my wife hows things going and she told me : I know what I want now.


#11

…and then he said “Primes will be the only ones mining PoW…” :laughing:


#12

How about a video of a weatherman working through a technical glitch while giving a forecast for Arizona:


#13

Boudreaux was paddling his pero (boat) down on the bayou and he passed by Thibodaux’s camp.

Thibodaux ax, “What dat you got in that pero.”

Boudreaux say, “Crabgrass- Me gonna go catch me some crabs, me.”

Thibodaux laughs and say, “You fool, you can’t catch crabs with crabgrass.”

An hour later Boudreaux comes back with a boat load of crabs and show them to Thibodaux.

The next day Boudreaux was paddling his pero and passed by Thibodaux’s camp again.

Thibodaux ax, “What dat you got in that pero.”

Boudreaux say, “Duck-tape- Me gonna go catch me some ducks, me.”

Thibodaux laughs and say, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck-tape.”

An hour later Boudreaux comes back with a boat load of ducks and show them to Thibodaux.

The next day Boudreaux was paddling his pero and passed by Thibodaux’s camp again.

Thibodaux ax, “What dat you got in that pero.”

Boudreaux say, “Pussiwillow.”

Thibodaux say, "Wait a minute, I’m going with you. "


#14

Sven and Olaf had promised their brother Hans, who had been a sailor all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

They set off with Hans all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while they stop and Olaf slips over the side and is underwater for a few seconds, resurfaces climbs onboard and they continue to row farther out.

Once again they stop and Olaf slips over the side and is gone for nearly a minute before climbing back onboard so that the two can row even farther out

on the third stop Olaf slips over the side and is gone long enough for Sven to get worried. Finally Olaf resurfaces with a big grin on his face.

‘Sven’! he says ‘this spot is perfect hand me the shovel’


#15

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?"
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, "You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?"
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”


#16

Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers

Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.
But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board.
Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move.
And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

      Your loving daughter, Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.


#17

…and then he said “never obsolete and always profitable…”


#18

~A truck driver and his parrot are driving cross country…
~The driver pulls over to a hitch-hiker, speaks to her for a few minutes then pulls away…
~This continues across a few states, occasionally the hitchhiker will climb into the cab and then into the sleeper…
~ The next state over, the police pull the driver over…

Cop says,’ Sir you are loosing your load’…

Driver says, ’ You must be mistaken’…

~~ They walk around to the back of the trailer to find the Parrot throwing out chickens saying…

“NO eff, NO ride… NO eff, NO ride”


#19

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below replies, “You must work in management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”*

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”


#20