Jokes-Need a Laugh


#21

That’s so corny I had to like it.


#22

News of the Day via http://textsfromlastnight.com >>>

It can’t be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm “he no get hard”


#23

Necro the funny thread!

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”


#24

My 10 year old brother in law’s favorite joke:


Why do girls wear make up and perfume?
Because they’re ugly and stink.


#25

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. ‘That ought to be obvious,’ he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. ‘The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!’


#26

I have the ultimate joke to end all jokes…are you ready?

Homero Joshua Garza :smile: I win !!!


#27

#28

Two rednecks, Jimmy and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Jimmy, said “lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a poll-ice roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

Don’t worry, Jimmy", Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat”. “What?”, asked Jimmy. “Just let me do the talkin’, OK?”, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?” “No, sir”, said Earl. “We’re on the patch”!


#29

A very horny guy is stranded on an island with a monkey. After a while, he decides to have sex with the monkey, but the monkey continually slips out of his grip and runs away.

One day, a very attractive girl is drowning in the ocean and the guy saves her.

She says, “I’ll do anything to repay you.”

The man says, “Can you help me catch that damn monkey?”


#30

Dos moscas se sientan en un montón de caca. Una mosca pasa gas.
La otra marcha lo mira y dice: “Oye, ¿te importa? Yo estoy comiendo aquí”.


WTS : 250 GHCorp Assets
#31

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He can’t take it any more. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, “Go to the Horseshoe.” He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, “Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry.” He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table.

The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt Ac Ad. The voice says, “Go all in.” He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call. The dealer lays down the flop which is Jh10h9h.

The voice says, “Shi t.”


#32

so, did he? DID HE??


#33

With 3 callers vs his aces, neither one of them being :heart: …oops.


#34

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.

St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly. When Dolly asks St. Peter why Elizabeth was let in, Peter replies, “A royal flush beats a wild pair.”


#35


#36

a man was arrested once, for killing a endangered Florida black panther… when he went to court, he was facing a pile of federal charges… during his testimony, he got on the stand, and told the courtroom the following.

… yes… i killed that panther… i was out hunting, desperate for food. i have 10 young kids, and my wife is very sick and she cant work anymore, or take care of te kids… so i hunt for almost all out food. so, there i was fishing for something, anything for dinner, and that big black 100lb cat walked out… all i saw was a week of breakfast, lunch and dinner for my family… i shot it, took it home, and we ate it for dinner… my neighbor saw me skinning out the hide and called the game warden on me, i figured it would make little johnny a fine coat… his 8th birthday was a week later… by the time he finished the story, and the jury saw the 10 little kids, all dressed in raggedy clothes, there were tears in every ones eyes…

the jury was quick to find him innocent, due to circumstances… the game warden was really pissed off, as was the federal judge… as the man was walking out, the judge called the man over where he was talking to the game warden…

judge… look, your a free man now… we are not happy about it, because the law was not done… your free because of the emotions of the jury, nothing else, id have given you 20 years for killing that panther,… but i was talking to the game warden, and we have a fondness for wild game, deer, elk, rabbit, we even got to taste lion once… so, we just have to ask…

what did that black panther taste like??

the man thought for a second, and finally gave his answer…

well, its a REALLY hard taste to describe, its sort of like a mix of manatee and bald eagle is the closest i can come to describing it.


#37